


Exile

by LostSummer



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Minor Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-12
Updated: 2021-03-12
Packaged: 2021-03-19 08:34:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,834
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29996697
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LostSummer/pseuds/LostSummer
Summary: She had been in love with him for four years, maybe five. Who was she kidding? She had been falling in love with him since the first time she saw him. First day, first year, boarding the Hogwarts Express with his head of unruly black hair and an owl cage almost the same size as him. And ever since then she had been falling and falling and falling, and now she was in deep, deep, deep trouble.Or: Lily decides that the best course of action after a really bad fight with James, is to just stay out of the common room...forever.
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter
Kudos: 16





	Exile

She had been in love with him for four years, maybe five. Who was she kidding? She had been falling in love with him since the first time she saw him. First day, first year, boarding the Hogwarts Express with his head of unruly black hair and owl cage almost the same size as him. And ever since then she had been falling and falling and falling and now, she was in deep, deep, deep trouble. Not that he knew of course. Even though her heart skipped a beat every time she heard his voice. Even though she caught herself searching for him in every room she entered. Even though he was the only reason she ever attended a Quidditch match ever…. He could never know. Because even though Lily Evans had trouble controlling her heart around James Potter, she had never had this kind of problem with her head. And logically she KNEW he was an asshole. She knew he was hexing people just for the hell of it, and because he was so freaking talented it was honestly annoying. She knew his moral compass was completely off and when it came to defending his friends basically nonexistent – she was positive the guy would commit actual murder for Sirius Black and that could not be right. She KNEW he was an all-around awful person and so she made sure to let him know. Her sister Petunia had taught her one very important life lesson: if you let people walk all over you and others, if you comply with their overall awfulness by remaining quiet, they will continue to be awful. So, Lily used her voice to speak up.

Okay, maybe sometimes with more volume than necessary. Sometimes more viscously than necessary. But honestly, who could blame her for a large vocabulary? Anybody could pick up a book and try to match her if they wanted…. So yeah, she had called him out on his shit and he had given as good as he had gotten and she so wished she would be able to say that it wasn’t fun. But god, it was so much fun. Dueling words with Potter might be one of her favorite pastimes… not that she would ever admit it. But she had found her equal and it was like a drug. She couldn’t stop provoking, arguing, calling him out on his bullshit, starting back and forth banter whenever she got the chance. She was so in love with him, he was such and asshole, she could not not fight with him…. Correction: she was more in love with him than ever, turns out he wasn’t an asshole anymore and after their last fight, she would be lucky if he ever spoke a word to her again.

Which was why she was currently hiding in an alcove close to the Fat Lady, trying to muster up the courage to walk into the Gryffindor common room. They had won the big game tonight, against Slytherin, too. It had been one of the roughest Quidditch matches she had ever seen. With brutal maneuvers in brutal weather. Mean fouls and bludgers aimed at heads in the middle of a rainstorm. Their seeker caught the snitch just before the first lightning bolds broke the sky in half. Now, the thunder could be heard through the big walls of the castle. And still they had won. James had led his team through all of it with such grace and spirit and unmatched optimism… amazing really. They had won and judging from the noise crashing into the hallway, every time the portrait hole was opened, this victory was being celebrated appropriately. And Lily Evans, who actually really liked a good party, having butter beer with friends, laughing with Remus, talking to James… was still out in the cold corridor, hunched forward on a windowsill, legs drawn up to her chest. Shivering, because she still hadn’t changed out of her rain soaked robes, and because she could not remember a time when she screwed up this badly. Honestly, never. Not even the Severus-Thing or the many ugly fights with Petunia, or when skipped Christmas with her family last year. Never. Never this badly, ever.

The worst thing about it was that looking back, she couldn’t even remember how it started. One moment they were just crossing paths in the corridors, both on their way to the last class of the day and then he had said something, or had he set off those stupid mini fireworks he just learned to create without a wand? She wasn’t even sure anymore. All she remembered was that minutes later they were locked in one of their famous standoffs, faces close to each other, her fist clenched around the strap of her book back and she said “You know Potter it really doesn’t matter does it? Doesn’t matter how old you get, how much responsibility they give you, how much it disappoints everybody around you. You are just so damn committed to staying an ass. Honestly, I would be impressed if it wasn’t so sad.” And she knew… she knew she crossed a line as soon as she saw the look in his eyes and she opened her mouth to say… something… anything, literally anything to make it better, to make the real and honest hurt in his face go away and he had just said. “Okay Evans. You win. Let’s just leave each other alone. I am done.” and he had left and she had started crying right where he left her.

She had still gone to see the match, obviously. Because she couldn’t really find a good excuse Mary or Alice would believe and there just wasn’t enough time to tell them the truth. A conversation initiated by Lily Evans with the words “I have been falling in love with James Potter since first grade.”, would definitely take longer than the forty-five minutes they had before heading down to the field. So, she went with them because she didn’t know how to explain her way out of years of lies and because she wanted to see him.

Which brought her back to her current situation. Freezing outside the common room of her own house, because she was a coward and because he deserved a celebration without her ruining everything. What annoyed her most of all was that she KNEW he wasn’t an asshole anymore. Had never really been one. He was misguided when they were younger sure, too smart and talented and popular for his own good. He had let it go to his head for a couple of years there and she didn’t regret calling him out on it. But this last year had shown her a different James Potter, one that cared deeply. The further Lily had drifted from her family the more she understood and appreciated the intense loyalty he showed towards his friends. The darker the threats had become that some Slytherins whispered into her ear when nobody was paying attention, the more she had appreciated his bravery when he stood up to them publicly an unapologetically. James Potter had proven that Lily’s heart had been right all along and she had fucked it all up so badly it almost took her breath away.

She heard the portrait hole swing open again and a group of girls giggling as they passed through. James had drawn the attention of good amount of Hogwarts students even before he had deflated his big head. Now, with his real character showing more clearly it was really only a question of time before someone began to pursue him for real. Before he began to meet the steamy gazes already directed at him… Lily wasn’t naïve. She had had her chance. He had asked her out a number of times, and she had made the words “Never ever Potter” stumble over her lips even though her heart was screaming yes, yes, yes. So there. It was all done. Done and over with and she was shivering on a windowsill while the wind blew rain horizontally against the glass. Done. Maybe it was time to let her broken heart bleed out and then get used to a life without James Potter in it.

A new wave of happy party noises swept through the air, then voices, familiar voices.

“I am telling you Prongs; they do have a liquor cabinet in the kitchens! It’s just not for us. It’s for when Dumbledor decides to get boogie with it.”

“Honestly Padfoot, I’ll pay you good money if you promise to never use the words _Dumbledor_ and _boogie with it_ in a sentence ever again.” Painfully familiar voice. Lily pressed her palms against her burning eyes. Tried to concentrate on the sound of rain and thunder. The storm outside, instead of inside.

“How much are we talking Prongsie? You better show your money, because there are more disgusting word combinations waiting in this sick brain trust me.”

“I don’t doubt it.”, remarked Remus’ calmer voice. As always along for the ride to drop sarcastic remarks at the earliest convenience.

“Don’t pretend you don’t like it.”, teased Sirius. Remus stammered something. Then James again: “I am not willing to throw away my money on hopeless cases. HOWEVER, I am willing to bet you five sickles that the house-elves in the kitchens do not have a liquor cabinet.”

It was only when Sirius started to respond, that Lily noticed they were not climbing down the stairs but coming towards her instead. SHIT. “Prongsie, you might as well give me the money now and prevent me from diving deeper into the risqué activities of …” Silence. Footsteps stopped. Jup, they had seen her. Maybe if she just refused to acknowledge their existence, they would return the kindness… worth a try… Murmured conversation, footsteps continuing further down the corridor. When she lifted her face in relief, she found James Potter was staring right at her. SHIT. SHIT. SHIT.

She wasn’t sure how she looked but something about her whole appearance made James take a hasty step closer and stretch out a hand to touch her shoulder. “Lily… are you okay?” She took a breath that never seemed to reach her lungs. She tasted blood. Unsure how long she had been gnawing on her own lip the forced her teeth to let go. Forced her mouth to speak instead. “Yeah sure…” His gaze was unyielding. He didn’t believe her. There was no use pretending and she didn’t have the energy anyway. Crappy, exhausting, horribly heartbreaking day.

“I mean like, obviously not…” she made a tired gesture, trying to describe her rain-soaked appearance, wet hair still plastered to her forehead, the water dripping from her robes leaving little puddles on the stone floor, her red eyes…. Her voice was pressed. “I am not really okay, but it’s really not your issue James really. Please. The whole reason I am out here… just, please go back to your party. You played amazing today; you deserve it. Please… just let it go.” He thought about it. He really did. She could see his gaze dart back towards the common room, down the corridor where Sirius and Remus had just disappeared around a corner, back to her.

“I can’t.” His voice sounded almost as pained as hers. “Believe me, I wish I could but… I can’t.”

She sighed and slid from the windowsill. Back on two feet only inches from him. Just like this afternoon. Time to own up… “James. I really, really fucked up. And I am so sorry… and I would do everything to take it back.” He tried to say something but she cut him off. Suddenly, so, so glad she got the opportunity to say all this. So freaking glad he was even still listening, still standing there… god she was so in love with him. “No please let me say this. I didn’t even mean it. Not a word of it. I just said it because it’s what I have been telling you for years. And it’s just not fair because…”, there was a lump in her throat but she continued talking around it. No point in stopping now. He was still so close and he was still holding on to her shoulder and his pinky was moving in little circles and it drove her insane… She kept talking so she wouldn’t just kiss him. “It’s just not fair. Because none of it was true. You are not an ass you are amazing. And it’s also not fair because I have never ever, told you the whole truth. Never in all these years and all those fights.”

“Lily…”, he murmured but she shook her head, determined to get it over with, once and for all. “Because the whole truth is that I was in love with you the whole time. And I am in love with you now James and I just can’t believe I ruined everything just because…” and then he kissed her. Just kissed her… And he was warm and wonderful and he snuck and arm around her waist to pull her closer, and the buried a hand in his impossible black hair and kissed back with all she had. Because she had been waiting for this moment for so, so long and it made absolutely no sense that it was happening now. So, she just stopped thinking and parted her lips and James made a sound deep in his throat that had the potential to drive her mad and also inspired her to pull him back against the windowsill and let him lift her up there, so she could wrap her legs around his waist and kiss him and kiss him…

When they finally came up for air, her heart was racing so fast she expected it to break out of her rip cage and just gallop away. James was panting. His chest rising and falling under her palms. She reluctantly untangled her legs from his waist. Didn’t say anything though. It was his turn…

“You’re gonna be the death of me Evans.” Almost out of habit she opened her mouth to protest but he cut her off. “I mean ninety percent of the times you called me an asshole I definitely deserved it so… don’t feel too bad. But thank you for apologizing. Really. Hearing you say it today… kind of broke my heart.” She hugged him tightly at that. Wrapped her arms around him, buried her face in the nape of his neck. He seemed surprised, but only for a second, before he hugged her back just as tightly.

A kiss was pressed against her temple, then he whispered into her ear: “And just for the record, I lied to you too.”

“What?”, she leaned back to look him in the eyes. They were warm and brown, with golden specks she was noticing for the first time.

He took her face in both hands. “I could never be done with you.”

A smile tucked at her lips. “Are you sure?”

“You’re my equal Lily. Do you know how rare that is?”

Her smile grew bigger. “Yes.”

Now, he was grinning as well. “So… you have been in love with me for how long?”

She shoved his shoulder, but immediately grabbed the collar of his shirt to draw him back to her again and whisper into his ear. “Four years, maybe five, maybe even longer.” His grip on the windowsill slipped and he almost knocked his chin against the stonewall and she couldn’t help but giggle. And then she pulled him towards her to kiss him again. Slower this time, melting against him and he wrapped his arms… she had always had a thing for his arms… around her and held her impossibly close.

“Okay…”, he murmured after a while. “You really need to get out of these wet clothes. You’re going to catch pneumonia.”

“What are you proposing Potter.”, was her answer, murmured against his lips, provoking a half-frustrated half amused scoff. “God Evans. I am in so much trouble.”

She laughed again and jumped to the ground. “You are right though. Wanna go catch up with Sirius and Remus in the kitchens? I’ll meet you later at the party.” To her surprise James shook his head and started following her back towards the common room. Taking her hand, like it was a habit, and not something new and wonderful. “Nope, nope I really, really don’t. If you think the two of us took forever to figure this out.” - he punctuated _this_ by kissing her knuckles - “than you have no idea how ridiculous these two idiots are.”

Lily was surprised that she wasn’t surprised. “Really?”

“So dump… so in love…” She laughed at that. Just before they climbed through the portrait hole, he pulled her close again and murmured “Talking about me by the way… although Sirius and Remus are also pretty dense and enamored.” She was still beaming when his lips met hers.

**Author's Note:**

> Hi y'all :-) Lockdown is sending me weird bursts of inspiration at impossible day- and nighttimes :-D Let me know what you think of this one. Kind of thinking about adding a second chapter, following up with Remus' and Sirius' adventures in the kitchens.


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